I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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