We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
