I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
