She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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