Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
