Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
