why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
