insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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