i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
