i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
it was like his penis was on wheels.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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