I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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