After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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