I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
