So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
