I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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