anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I AM VODKA MAN
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
