dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
