If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
