Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
