Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
