I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize