you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize