did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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