I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Randomize
