She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
it's great music for shaving your balls
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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