So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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