I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
