i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We don't watch enough power rangers
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
