awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize