I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
