There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
