thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
