I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
