Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
