He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
