At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
