I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
