I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
