Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
