Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
