im drinking this country out of the recession.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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