You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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