I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
