I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
