Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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