You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
