I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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