One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
