i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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