Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize