Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
