I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
