My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
