I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
