update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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