fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
