just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
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